Why Is My Life So Awful???
For those of you who might be having a bad day, here’s a rundown of what’s going on in my life to make you feel better:
1) I’m planning to spend part of 2014 traveling the world and studying abroad. After months of begging and pleading and finally convincing my parents, I am, of course, having trouble renewing my passport because of this fucking government shutdown. I went to the post office yesterday to pick up the renewal form and schedule an appointment, but instead all I got was some bored lady telling me that they can’t process anything because everything is closed. So then I had to call the New York Passport Agency to schedule an appointment with them, but in order for them to issue a passport to anyone, you need to present evidence that you are traveling within two weeks. I am not leaving the country until 2014, but my applications need for me to make a copy of the photo page of my passport by October 18th. My appointment is October 16th. If the agency decides not to process my passport overnight, I’m screwed. I’m fucking sick of conservatives making this country look like a fucking joke.
2) I took my passport photos yesterday and dolled myself up so I can actually look good in this one (my old passport photo was taken before I got contacts. I had to take off my glasses and of course I couldn’t see shit, so I looked like a deer in the headlights, with my eyes the size of saucers). Despite the ages I took applying my makeup and styling my hair in perfect Dita Von Teese waves, I still managed to look like an escaped criminal in the photos. How is it that a person can look one way in the mirror but look COMPLETELY different in a photo? I’m so ugly I can’t even stand the sight of my own face. If only plastic surgery was affordable.
3) I had to do a voice-over narration for my multimedia journalism class. My voice is hideous. Absolutely hideous. I’ve never liked the sound of my own voice and I never will. I’m 20 years old yet I still sound like a goddamn child. Every time I pick up the phone and it’s a flippin’ telemarketer, they always ask me if my mommy or daddy is home and I fume into a silent rage before hanging up in their faces. I wish I could have a rich speaking voice, like Joan Crawford or Norma Shearer.
4) My body image has gotten worse, if that’s possible. Since I started school, I know I gained all the weight I lost through my summer starvation diet. However, my family is telling me that I haven’t gained any weight, but they’re my family, so they’re supposed to say that. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I don’t want them to know about my body insecurities. There is a gorgeous vintage dress that I’m just dying to buy, but because it’s a straight silhouette I know it will hug every. single. ugly. curve. It will highlight my butt, my hips, and my boobs and quite frankly that scares me because I am not a size 0. I am also eying these matching vintage shoes, but the heels are three inches tall, which will turn this 5’5″ dame into a 5’8″ Amazon woman :(
5) There is so much schoolwork I need to do, yet I’ve got no motivation to do it. I don’t want to interview strangers about our local representative running for City Council Speaker. I’m almost positive that no one in my neighborhood of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, even knows who our representative is. All I want to do is curl up somewhere cozy and finish reading Crime and Punishment dammit. Can’t a girl just find out what’s happening with Raskolnikov?
6) My novel is NOT coming along swimmingly. Writing is so hard. I constantly suffer from writer’s block and an inability to find the right words to express my thoughts. I constantly worry that I’m going either too fast or too slow in my plot, or that my characters aren’t developed or relatable enough. Writing is so difficult when you have a low self-esteem. I wish I had a friend who cared enough to read my work and critique it so I can know if I’m on the right track, but I don’t think I can trust any of my friends with something this personal. I’m a shy, secretive person deep down inside. There’s also the little problem of not knowing anyone who actually likes to read books…
I guess I’m just a disillusioned, jaded youth who doesn’t want to live in this sick, sad world anymore. Part of me wants to love someone and be loved by someone, but I know that things like love and respect and passion are dead, dead, dead. People pretend to love each other and they use and manipulate and hurt each other deliberately and it makes me so sad. My generation is nothing more than a group of fakes who pretend to be things they aren’t just to fit in with a preconceived notion of society. Every single person I meet is just a cookie-cutter image of another person. Whatever happened to individualism, to realness, and to honesty? Like Clark Gable said in It Happened One Night, I want to meet somebody that’s real, somebody that’s alive. But they don’t come that way anymore. Everyone is playing a part just to be popular; the youth of today are basically a bunch of highly talented actors who will never win Oscars . No one is interested in truly loving someone with every fiber of their being, because it takes too much time, too much attention. People waste so much time fearing to reveal their true feelings for each other because the world is telling us to look at people like they are just pawns on a chessboard.